Use Only as Directed

Originally posted to MySpace, May 31, 2009

 


American pharmaceutical commercials are a riot. They spend more time warning you about the dangers of the medication than praising its benefits. You get 15 seconds of “This is some good stuff...”, then 1 minute and 45 seconds of “...but it could also cause x, y, z, and it might even KILL you.” In the past, US drug commercials simply included fine print towards the end—with or without a voice announcement—that read “Use only as directed,” i.e., as directed by the instructions in or on the package or as your doctor tells you.

In Germany, every pharmaceutical ad on TV ends with the same message displayed on a solid color background with a voiceover:

 

Zu Risiken und Nebenwirkungen lesen Sie die Packungsbeilage und fragen Sie Ihren Arzt oder Apotheker.


Loosely translated, it means “For information on risks and side-effects, read the enclosed instructions and ask your doctor or pharmacist.” That’s quite a mouthful (reflecting the German way of using lots of words to get a simple point across) but it covers all the bases. Get to know your medicine by reading about it first. Then you talk to the doctor if you have any questions. In more colloquial terms: “Do NOT use this stuff unless you know what the hell you’re doing!”

For all their senselessness, some warnings about side-effects in the U.S. do have entertainment value. The best ads are the ones for the treatment of erectile dysfunction. “If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours, seek immediate attention.” Yeah, right. Most men haven’t been aroused for that long since high school, and then only when the weather was warm and half the female population ran around in miniskirts!

Federal law has forced drug advertisers to use the new format because people either lack the patience or intelligence or both to learn about potentially dangerous substances before using them. Apparently, human beings enjoy using themselves as guinea pigs. Animal rights activists get all up in arms about people experimenting on little creatures who would otherwise have the sense not to try the stuff being used on them or injected into them. We could probably save a ton of money on animal testing for hundreds of products each year by just asking for volunteers among the general public: “If you enjoy taking medicine without reading the instructions or asking your doctor first, have we got a deal for YOU!”

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