Oh, Lord, Pleeeeeeeease Hear my Prayer

Originally posted to MySpace, May 18, 2009

 

To whom it may concern (God, the Great Spirit, the Force, or Whatever):

Thank you for inventing the Internet. It has saved me a fortune in pens, paper, envelopes, and especially stamps(!) over the years. I find it so much easier to stay in contact with my friends and family. I can write a letter only once and send it to a hundred people if I like.

Thank you for all the information I can find. Thank you for all the funny jokes and video clips people send me. I have just one favor to ask. Please, Almighty Being, pleeeeeeease put a stop to all the prayers going around.

I ask that you make the people who want to pray for me less lazy. Please show them that instead of pressing a button, the best way for them to pray is to get on their knees, fold their hands, bow their heads, and open their mouths to utter their requests on my behalf. If you would, please give them mousefingeritis, so they can’t just send me an e-mail I really don’t want in the first place.

Please make them understand that despite all this wonderful technology, people still want to receive letters that were written by the sender personally. If you can’t make my friends and family as prolific at writing as I am, tell them I don’t mind being called, and then teach them to use the telephone.

System Administrator, who art in the Cyberspace,

Encrypted be thy User Name.

Thy Windows come.

Thy Mac be done,

On cable as it is via DSL.

Give us this day our daily threads.

And forgive us our spam,

As we forgive those who spam against us.

And lead us not into malware,

But deliver us from e-mail (prayers).

For Thine is the anti-virus,

And the power strip, and the WOW,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

 

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